Why does the prince always have to be the savior, huh? You would think that while the poor guy is fighting a dragon that can literally call upon on all the powers of hell, you might try to do something other than faint in the background. This is your life he’s saving, honey- maybe at the mercy of his own. You could maybe throw him a bone and help out. At least create a diversion or something. Yeesh.
And don’t even get me started on the ploys that you use to sucker the poor guy into helping you in the first place. It shocks me to no end that you ladies are still using the Dance and Desert. I mean, leave him wanting more by all means, but you have to at least tell him your name. Some of these boys aren’t all that bright (sucking on those silver spoons must cause some sort of brain damage). They can’t all track you down with the only clues being A) the memory that you were, in fact, a babe and B) a shoe that could probably fit a lot of people in the kingdom. A shoe? Really? Because no one has ever used that one before.
Also, the Singing-in-the-Woods trick is just plain ridiculous. People wonder why you’re always a damsel in distress. I’m going to bet you’re not the biggest fan of being in mortal danger yourself. Here’s an idea- don’t hang out in the dark and creepy woods. Singing out there won’t cause your true love to find you, it’ll draw in a hungry wolf, bear, or maybe the occasional mountain lion. You’ll get eaten before you can even beguile him into planting true love’s kiss on those lip-glossed lips of yours.
(Although, it should be noted that if you save him from some sort of terrible fate, i.e. drowning or bleeding to death from a stab wound, this is still a very good ploy, no matter how many other princesses have saved their princes. There’s nothing like a brush with death to make someone want to plant the big TLK on you.)
Ugh- “true love’s kiss”. Let me tell you right now, that “true love’s kiss” will not be the first one you share with your prince. The first three are all teeth and too much saliva. They aren’t as romantic as you have been led to believe. Also, you need to reevaluate your life choices if you’re in love when you’re only in the first-kiss stage. Multiply that by one hundred if this first kiss has happened within the first three days of you meeting each other. If you think you’re in love with him in the first few days, you aren’t. You have been charmed by his good looks, power, and untold riches. This is not love. This is shallow. You are a kiddie pool.
I think I’m going to break some hearts with this one, and I’m sorry to ruin your dreams, but unless you are noble or rich, you can’t be queen. In a prince’s world, marriage is not about love. Marriage is a business deal between two upper-class families, and if you have been a maid your whole life, you cannot marry a prince. The best you could hope for if, against all odds, you actually get to meet one of the most important people in the country, is for him to take you as a mistress. The good news is that he will probably like you more than he likes his wife. The bad news is that the entire kingdom will look down their noses at you, and his queen will probably constantly be plotting your demise. But if that sounds like the life for you, be my guest.
I also feel that I need to mention that maybe, just maybe, some princes don’t want a lady mistress. (You should also consider the possibility that you don’t want to be a lady mistress, to a prince at least. Maybe you want to be the “close friend” of a queen.) Take it from a prince who knows. I spent my whole life learning about these happily-ever-afters, just like you did. I looked at books full of pictures of your kind, trying to see what the other princes saw in you. I spent my adolescent years confused and hiding from myself, all while princesses chased me around. I did a lot of soul-searching and crying and talking to my trusted few friends to figure out who I was. Of course, I had to marry a princess. If you’re a prince, you have to, no matter the circumstances. But my mistress is, shall we say, more of a bearded-lady type. And yes, I do love this bearded lady very much- much more than my princess (and like I said, my wife hates him- er- her). I just thank my lucky stars every day that I’m the fifth brother, and so have next to no need to produce an heir. But that’s enough about me, let’s get back to you. I’m sure those are words you love to hear.
You should probably mention when you first meet this poor sap if A) your step-mother is a witch who hates you B) your parents offended a witch and she now hates you or C) you know of a witch who hates you. It’s just common courtesy, really. These are the important matters that can really make or break a relationship. This way he can be on the look-out for creepy old women who might try to poison one of you, a shady step-mom who may have you locked in a tower somewhere, or the aforementioned dragon with hell powers. I can guarantee that if those princes had known about all of the work they had to do, they never would have chosen you.
Do you even know how long it takes his servants to get him clean and ready in the mornings? If you don’t take pity on the prince, at least have a little respect for the peasants who have to clean him up after he got all covered in dragon guts, or old-lady-witch-who-has-recently-been-crushed-by-a-boulder blood. It’s really just selfish of you not to mention your biggest deal-breaker.
Finally, if you have secured his hand through all of these hardships, never- I repeat- never tell him about the animals you can talk to, unless you want to end up in bedlam with your marriage newly annulled.
So, there you have it, princesses- a little note full of tips and critiques on how you’re living your lives. Please listen to what I have stated here- it would make life a lot easier on everyone at court. If you do, perhaps a lot more of us could live-dare I say it?- happily ever after, the end. Ugh, I regretted saying it immediately. Let’s also abolish that saying because it’s more clichéd than every princess having only one parent, am I right?… Too far? Oh well. Thank you and good night.
*Side note- I am not now, nor have I ever been, a gay prince. I am merely a humble writer who had a humbly genius idea. Humble.*